your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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