So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
so much tequila, so little girl.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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