It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
