So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
