i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
