The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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