a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
