Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
