put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
