You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Randomize