I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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