I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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