So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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