i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
God I need to hump something, right now.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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