i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize