Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
