there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize