someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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