he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
