I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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