Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize