onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
