Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
