i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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