i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
