I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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