Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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