i would punch a child for taco bell
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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