: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
