I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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