My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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