Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
