if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
