Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
