Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
