Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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