I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
This is my gift to your gina
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
