She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
