i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize