I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
