If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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