Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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