Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
