12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
two words: eviction party
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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