I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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