i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
