I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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