First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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