I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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