omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
