i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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