too bad you live with your parents still
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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