This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
