who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
