peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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