Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
