She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
