i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
