I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
