I think my vagina is haunted
false alarm. still invincible.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
