she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
